Saturday, July 26, 2008

Lurking through life

I think I said that another post was the last "golden oldie" but I've located another one from June 9, 2007!

I don't know if any of you read my external blog [MaryO Note: the one that the hackers got] or not, but if you do, you can skip this - mostly old stuff.

It's kind of weird, but I feel like I don't really "belong" anywhere. When I was first online, I spent a lot of time on Power Surge on AOL, later on the web. I've kind of outgrown that site, being past menopause.

But the women of PS are so much younger now, and I've said everything that was meant for me to say, so I lurk…

Out of Power Surge, came the idea to start the Cushing's Help site and later the message boards. I feel like I've said everything that there was to say there, too, especially since my surgery was nearly 20 years ago now. I don't remember most of the tests I had and my "numbers" are most certainly forgotten, if I ever knew. Who'd have thought that all these years later I would know anyone else with Cushing's? But I mainly lurk there now, too. The only thing I have to contribute is news items.

Then, of course, the cancer came along and that makes me feel really out of control. I'm on a cancer listserv but I don't contribute there, either, because I feel like I don't know enough.

How is it I manage to lurk everywhere, site on the sidelines of life, and don't really feel like I belong anywhere?

And I still feel that way to a great extent. I don't post much anywhere about how I'm feeling. But it sure is weird to spend so many hours a day working on a site/boards and not feel a part anymore.

I feel like my combo of "stuff" is something that I don't share with anyone else. No one probably wants to hear about my cancer fears or my fatigue issues (again!) I tried posting some of my cancer stuff as a blog but didn't get very far. Eventually, there was no response, so I locked it so I wouldn't feel hurt about that, too. I'm GH deficient but can't take growth hormone so I don't even fit into that category, either.

Boy, is this turning into a Pity Party! Sorry…time to stop!

Then, I got a comment from someone who wrote:
"MAYBE JUST FOCUS ON SOMETHING POSITIVE FOR A CHANGE………..THERE MUST BE SOMETHING! INSTEAD OF DWELLING ON ALL THAT IS WRONG IN YOUR LIFE……..GO AFTER SOMETHING THAT YOU WANT. DO SOMETHING CONSTRUCTIVE FOR YOURSELF……..DON'T WORRY ABOUT HELPING OTHERS BY TELLING YOUR STORY ABOUT WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU. DO SOMETHING TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT WITHIN YOURSELF - THROW SOME SEEDS ON THE LAWN FOR THE BIRDS, DIVIDE THE OVERGROWN PERENNIALS, PAINT A FENCE. IF YOU GET TIRED, FINISH IT LATER. MAKE YOUR SELF BUSY WITH SOMETHING OTHER THAN COMPLAINING ALL THE TIME. PURSUE A PASSION, ANYTHING"

Sheesh! I complain all the time and I should make myself busy?!?

I should be getting excited about an upcoming cruise but there's a bit of a delay with one of the pieces of paper we need to take and I'm getting concerned about that. The cruise is less than 2 weeks away and we should have had this document 3-4 weeks ahead of time. I called last week and someone was "working on it". Called again yesterday and got no response, no response to my email, either.

I mentioned this to my husband and he put up his hand and said "Stop". He might as well have hit me. How can he tell me to stop talking, especially about something that potentially affects this trip?

Anyway, when I stopped talking - about everything - he complained that I shouldn't treat him like this. Hello?

So... I have no online friends anymore, can't talk to my husband, counselor is out of town, real life friends are away or unavailable, Sue is dead. I might as well be a hermit.

Nobody wants to even hear about the cancer - it was "gone" last year so why worry? So I have to keep my fears about recurrence and mets to myself. Everything is always "fine".

Just like the original blog title - I'm Lurking Through Life and feeling like crap.