Showing posts with label Power Surge. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Power Surge. Show all posts

Sunday, July 21, 2019

Happy 19th Birthday Cushing's Help!


It's unbelievable but the idea for Cushing's Help and Support arrived 18 years ago late last night. I was talking with my dear friend Alice, who ran a wonderful menopause site called Power Surge, wondering why there weren't many support groups online (OR off!) for Cushing's and I wondered if I could start one myself and we decided that I could.
Thanks to a now-defunct Microsoft program called FrontPage, the first one9page "website" (http://www.cushings-help.com) first went "live" July 21, 2000 and the message boards September 30, 2000.
All our Cushing’s-related sites:


Saturday, July 21, 2012

Today, We're Twelve!

 

Twelve  years ago yesterday  I was talking with my dear friend Alice, who runs a wonderful menopause site, Power Surge, wondering why there weren't many support groups online (OR off!) for Cushing's and I wondered if I could start one myself.  We decided that I could.

This website (http://www.cushings-help.com) first went "live" July 21, 2000 and the message boards September 30, 2000. Hopefully, with this site, I’ve made  some helpful differences in someone else's life.

Who could have known how this site – now sites – could have grown and grown.

It started as a one-page bit of information about Cushing’s  In people, not dogs, horses, ferrets…

Then, it started growing and growing, taking on a life of its own.  To truly emulate Alice, I added message boards in September.  They were really low-quality, a type put together by an old HTML editor but we had members and actually had discussions.

Not too long after, a real board was opened up and things really started happening.  Then we outgrew that board and ended up in our current home.

The message boards are still very active and we have weekly online text chats, live interviews, local meetings, email newsletters, a clothing exchange, a Cushing's Awareness Day Forum, podcasts, phone support and much more.

Whenever one of the members of the boards gets into NIH, I try to go to visit them there. Other board members participate in the "Cushie Helper" program where they support others with one-on-one support, doctor/hospital visits, transportation issues and more.

Things have changed over the years, though.  The original Cushings-Help site is still updated with new bios, new Helpful Doctor listings, meetings and more but all new articles have moved to a new site - http://www.cushie.info/ – which is much easier to maintain than the older strictly-HTML site.

Also new are a CushieWiki, a site for the Cushing’s Help Organization, several blogs (of which this is one), three Facebook entities (Cushing's Help Cause; Cushing's Help and Support Group; and the Cushings Help Organization, Inc.); a Twitter stream and much more.

New recently:

NEW! Daily News Summary at Cushing's Daily News

NEW! cushie.info is now optimized for viewing on PDAs and mobile phones

NEW!  Medical Centers. These are centers which specialize in Cushing's, pituitary or adrenal patients.  If you, as a patient, have one that you'd like to have added, please send any info you may have to Mary O'Connor (MaryO).  Thank you!

Occasional Newsletters are Back: Members of cushie.info will automatically receive these occasional newsletters. Of course, you may opt-out at any time. Thank you for your interest.  Non-members may subscribe through the Newsletter Subscription module on the left side of this page.

Cushie Toolbar: Be the first to know! The Cushie Toolbar features a Google search box, the 911 Adrenal Crisis! page, the Cushie Reads book recommendations page, Cushie Calendar, all the bios, arranged by diagnosis type or date, add (or update) your bio, our locations around the world, the message boards and chatroom, Helpful Doctors list, add (or update) your Helpful Doctor, support page, scrolling message area for Cushing’s news, Cushing’s blogs, NIH Clinical trials for Cushing’s, pituitary and adrenal, the Cushings Help Organization cause on Facebook, Staticnrg and Cushings on Twitter, new CushieWiki and listen to the Cushing’s podcasts right from this toolbar.

CushieWiki: Please feel free to contribute! The CushieWiki is an ever-changing, ever-growing body of Cushing's knowledge provided by *YOU* and other patients.

Members of the cushie.info site have additional features:

We’ve grown out of control from that simple one-page info sheet to way more than I could have ever imagined in that phone conversation with my friend.  I would never have thought that I could do any of this, provide these services and touch the lives of so many others.

I also never thought that I would spend hours a day updating, adding, improving, helping, emailing, phoning, paperwork, writing…

But it’s all worth it if the lives of other Cushies are made better.

-->

Here’s to another 12 years…

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Day Ten, Cushing's Awareness Challenge

Blue and Yellow - we have those colors on ribbons, websites, tshirts, Cushing's Awareness Challenge logos and even cars.

This is the yellow PT cruiser I had rented for the Columbus, OH meeting in 2007. It was when we all met at Hoggy's for dinner although some of us travellers stayed at this hotel.

I'm the one in yellow and blue.

 

 

Later in 2007, I bought my own truly Cushie Car.  I even managed to get a butterfly on the tags.


So, where did all this blue and yellow come from, anyway?  The answer is so easy and without any thought that it will amaze you!

In July of 2000, I was talking with my dear friend Alice, who runs a wonderful menopause site, Power Surge, wondering why there weren't many support groups online (OR off!) for Cushing's and I wondered if I could start one myself and we decided that I could. This website (http://www.cushings-help.com) first went "live" July 21, 2000.  It was a one-page bit of information about Cushing's.  Nothing fancy.

I didn't know much about HTML (yet!) but I knew a little from what Alice had taught me and I used on my music studio site.  I didn't want to put as much work <COUGH!> into the Cushing's site as I had on the music studio site so I used a WYSIWYG web editor called Microsoft FrontPage.

One of their standard templates was - you guessed it! - blue and yellow.

TaDa!  Instant Cushie color scheme forever.  Turns out that the HTML that this software churned out was really awful and had to be entirely redone as the site grew.  But the colors stuck.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Cushings Help is 11 Years Old Today!

It's unbelievable but the idea for Cushing's Help and Support arrived 11 years ago tonight. I was talking with my dear friend Alice, who runs a wonderful menopause site called Power Surge,  wondering why there weren't many support groups online (OR off!) for Cushing's and I wondered if I could start one myself and we decided that I could.

The first website (http://www.cushings-help.com) first went "live" July 21, 2000 and the message boards September 30, 2000. Hopefully, with these sites, I'm going to make some helpful differences in someone else's life!

The message boards are very active and we have weekly online text chats, weekly live interviews, local meetings, email newsletters, a clothing exchange, a Cushing's Awareness Day Forum, podcasts, Wiki, phone support and much more.

Whenever one of the members of the boards gets into NIH, I try to go to visit them there. Other board members participate in the "Cushie Helper" program where they support others with one-on-one support, doctor/hospital visits, transportation issues and more.

Cushingshelp-birthday-trans
 

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

10 Years of Cushing’s Help. Who Would Have Guessed?

 

Ten years ago yesterday I was talking with my dear friend Alice, who runs a wonderful menopause site, Power Surge, wondering why there weren't many support groups online (OR off!) for Cushing's and I wondered if I could start one myself.  We decided that I could.


This website (http://www.cushings-help.com) first went "live" July 21, 2000 and the message boards September 30, 2000. Hopefully, with this site, I’ve made  some helpful differences in someone else's life.


Who could have known how this site – now sites – could have grown and grown.


It started as a one-page bit of information about Cushing’s  In people, not dogs, horses, ferrets…


Then, it started growing and growing, taking on a life of its own.  To truly emulate Alice, I added message boards in September.  They were really low-quality, a type put together by an old HTML editor but we had members and actually had discussions.


Not too long after, a real board was opened up and things really started happening.  Then we outgrew that board and ended up in our current home.


The message boards are still very active and we have weekly online text chats, live interviews, local meetings, email newsletters, a clothing exchange, a Cushing's Awareness Day Forum, podcasts, phone support and much more.


Whenever one of the members of the boards gets into NIH, I try to go to visit them there. Other board members participate in the "Cushie Helper" program where they support others with one-on-one support, doctor/hospital visits, transportation issues and more.


Things have changed over the years, though.  The original Cushings-Help site is still updated with new bios, new Helpful Doctor listings, meetings and more but all new articles have moved to a new site - http://www.cushie.info/ – which is much easier to maintain than the older strictly-HTML site.


Also new are a CushieWiki, a site for the Cushing’s Help Organization, several blogs (of which this is one), three Facebook entities (Cushing's Help Cause; Cushing's Help and Support Group; and the Cushings Help Organization, Inc.); a Twitter stream and much more.


New recently:

NEW! Daily News Summary at Cushing's Daily News

NEW! cushie.info is now optimized for viewing on PDAs and mobile phones

NEW!  Medical Centers. These are centers which specialize in Cushing's, pituitary or adrenal patients.  If you, as a patient, have one that you'd like to have added, please send any info you may have to Mary O'Connor (MaryO).  Thank you!

Occasional Newsletters are Back: Members of cushie.info will automatically receive these occasional newsletters. Of course, you may opt-out at any time. Thank you for your interest.  Non-members may subscribe through the Newsletter Subscription module on the left side of this page.

Cushie Toolbar: Be the first to know! The Cushie Toolbar features a Google search box, the 911 Adrenal Crisis! page, the Cushie Reads book recommendations page, Cushie Calendar, all the bios, arranged by diagnosis type or date, add (or update) your bio, our locations around the world, the message boards and chatroom, Helpful Doctors list, add (or update) your Helpful Doctor, support page, scrolling message area for Cushing’s news, Cushing’s blogs, NIH Clinical trials for Cushing’s, pituitary and adrenal, the Cushings Help Organization cause on Facebook, Staticnrg and Cushings on Twitter, new CushieWiki and listen to the Cushing’s podcasts right from this toolbar.

CushieWiki: Please feel free to contribute! The CushieWiki is an ever-changing, ever-growing body of Cushing's knowledge provided by *YOU* and other patients.

Members of the cushie.info site have additional features:

We’ve grown out of control from that simple one-page info sheet to way more than I could have ever imagined in that phone conversation with my friend.  I would never have thought that I could do any of this, provide these services and touch the lives of so many others.


I also never thought that I would spend hours a day updating, adding, improving, helping, emailing, phoning, paperwork, writing…


But it’s all worth it if the lives of other Cushies are made better.


Here’s to another 10 years…

Friday, October 16, 2009

Münchausen By Media

The Internet makes it so easy to develop weird and unusual diseases.  Just plop a symptom into Google and suddenly you find yourself with stomach cancer, Cushing's or other dread diseases.

Even on TV, the ads for lawyers almost convince people they might have mesothelioma and other rare illnesses that might bring you - and them! - bundles of money if you just sue someone.

Magazine ads implore you to "ask your doctor about..." this drug or that you might or might not need.  Your doctor might just give it to you to keep you from asking.  And there's a needless medication that brings profit to the drug company and side effects to you.

TV shows like House and Mystery Diagnosis will show you diseases you never dreamed about.

There's a great topic on the Power Surge message boards, What's the worst "disease or ailment" you've had, where the women discuss the diseases they thought that they had, based on symptoms, what they've seen online, in the news but not based on reality.

I've done it myself.  About the only time I was right was with my Cushing's diagnosis.  That one was a good call. But my thoughts of kidney cancer metastasis haven't come true (yet, anyway!).

There's been information online lately about Münchausen Syndrome.  Wikipedia says:

"...the affected person exaggerates or creates symptoms of illnesses in themselves or their child/children in order to gain investigation, treatment, attention, sympathy, and comfort from medical personnel. In some extremes, people suffering from Münchausen's Syndrome are highly knowledgeable about the practice of medicine, and are able to produce symptoms that result in multiple unnecessary operations. For example, they may inject a vein with infected material, causing widespread infection of unknown origin, and as a result cause lengthy and costly medical analysis and prolonged hospital stay. The role of "patient" is a familiar and comforting one, and it fills a psychological need in people with Münchausen's. It is distinct from hypochondriasis in that patients with Münchausen syndrome are aware that they are exaggerating, whereas sufferers of hypochondriasis believe they actually have a disease."

I think we've all see this, especially online.  It's so easy to sit in the comfort of ones home and add "just a little" to the symptoms, making it more impressive for the readers.

From A Strange Case of Münchausen By Internet:

"...When I first got online, I "met" a young woman who claimed to be a vet, and offered me all kinds of advice about my cat and my tropical fish. She got cancer, slowly declined, then died. We wanted to send flowers, and maybe attend the funeral, and got her ISP to contact her family for us. To our shock, her parents said there was no funeral. She wasn't dead, she wasn't even sick. At least not physically. She'd pulled this kind of "pretend death" several times before, and was in therapy, but every time life got stressful, she'd do it again.

And the Internet is the ideal place for a Munchausen sufferer. With the click of a button, you can find out all kinds of information, to help you pose as anyone you want. People don't expect to see you in person or even talk to you except by e-mail, making deception easier. And often, mailing lists, message boards, etc., will give unqualified support to their members..."

And Media Makes Me Sick:

"...The Internet is hands-down the worst thing to ever happen to the medical world. With Web sites like WebMD, any paranoid hypochondriac like me can jump online, look for symptoms and immediately convince himself he has cancer or Cushing's disease or non-Hodgkin's lymphoma or any other of a million things.

WebMD allows you to find one symptom and then "helps" you by listing 15,000 things it could mean.

Oh my God. I do have a slight ache! That's it. I must have a brain tumor. I'm not kidding, I recently scared myself into thinking I had cancer. It took a specialist, a CT scan and an ultra-sound to convince me otherwise..."

Karen found this older article at http://www.villagevoice.com/2001-06-26/news/cybersickness/1

"...Over nearly three years, from 1998 to 2000, a woman—let's call her Anna—posted to an online support group for people with mental illness. To the larger circle of readers, she acted mostly as friendly counselor. But to a select few, she e-mailed stories of escalating catastrophes. Her husband and two children had perished in a plane crash, she wrote. As a kid, her father had molested her, and she had suffered multiple personality disorder. Finally, she told her trusted—and trusting—confidants that she had just been diagnosed with leukemia.

Gwen Grabb, a psychotherapy intern and mother of three in Los Angeles, says the group believed Anna because she took on the role of helping others, revealing her own difficulties much later, and to an intimate audience. "She was very bright," recalls Grabb. "She was very supportive and kind. One day, she started telling me about `the crash,' what they found in the black box, how you could hear her daughter screaming. I had known her a year. I believed her."

But as the tales became more elaborate and grotesque, Grabb grew suspicious. Along with another group member—Pam Cohen, a bereavement counselor in the Mid-Atlantic region—she did some research and discovered Anna was making it up. It was a shock to all, but worse than that to Cohen. "It is like an emotional rape," she says. People may have been upset over the online life and fatal cancer of the fictional Kaycee, whose creator admitted last month she'd invented the high school character for expressive purposes. But that was geared to a general audience, however easily suckered. Pretenders like Anna hurt a much more vulnerable group—folks who may be seriously ill and are seeking help..."

So - use caution and remember that not everything you read will happen to you!

Friday, October 9, 2009

Participatory Medicine

This is kind of a "cheat" post since it's a compilation of other posts, web pages, message board posts and some original thoughts.  I'm writing it to submit to Robin's Grand Rounds, being hosted next week on her blog.

For all of my early life, I was the good, compliant, patient.  I took whatever pills the doctor prescribed, did whatever tests h/she (most always a he) wrote for.  Believed that whatever he said was the absolute truth.  He had been to med school.  He knew what was wrong with me even though he didn't live in my body 24/7 and experience what I did. 

I know a lot of people are still like this.  Their doctor is like a god to them.  He can do no wrong - even if they don't feel any better after treatment, even if they feel worse.  "But the doctor said..."

Anyway, I digress.

All this changed for me in 1983.

At first I noticed I'd stopped having my periods and, of course, I thought I was pregnant. I went to my Gynecologist who had no explanation. Lots of women lose their periods for a variety of reasons so no one thought that this was really significant.

Then I got really tired, overly tired. I would take my son to a half hour Choir rehearsal and could not stay awake for the whole time. I would lie down in the back of the van, set an alarm and sleep for the 30 minutes.

A whole raft of other symptoms started appearing - I grew a beard (Hirsuitism), gained weight even though I was on Weight Watchers and working out at the gym nearly every day, lost my period, everything hurt, got what is called a "moon face" and a "buffalo hump" on the back of my neck. I also got stretch marks. I was very depressed but it's hard to say if that was because of the hormone imbalance or because I felt so bad and no one would listen to me.

I came across a little article in the Ladies Home Journal magazine which said "If you have these symptoms...ask your doctor about Cushing's". After that, I started reading everything I could on Cushing's and asking my doctors. Due to all my reading at the library and medical books I bought, I was sure I had Cushing's but no one would believe me. Doctors would say that Cushing's Disease is too rare, that I was making this up and that I couldn't have it.

I asked doctors for three years - PCP, gynecologist, neurologist, podiatrist - all said the now-famous refrain.  It's too rare.  You couldn't have Cushing's.  I kept persisting in my reading, making copies of library texts even when I didn't understand them, keeping notes.  I just knew that someone, somewhere would "discover" that I had Cushing's.

My husband was on the doctors' sides.  He was sure it was all in my mind (as opposed to all in my head!) and he told me to just think "happy thoughts" and it would all go away.

A Neurologist gave me Xanax. Since he couldn't see my tumor with his Magnetic Resonance Imaging (MRI) machine there was "no possibility" that it existed. Boy was he wrong!

Later in 1986 I started bruising incredibly easily. I could touch my skin and get a bruise. On New Year's Day of 1987 I started bleeding under the skin. My husband made circles around the outside perimeter each hour with a marker, like the rings of a tree. When I went to my Internist the next day he was shocked at the size. He now thought I had a blood disorder so he sent me to a Hematologist/Oncologist.

Fortunately, the Hematologist/Oncologist ran a twenty-four hour urine test and really looked at me. Both he and his partner recognized that I had Cushing's. Of course, he was sure that he did the diagnosis.  No matter that I had been pursuing this with other doctors for 3 years.

It was not yet determined if it was Cushing's Disease (Pituitary) or Syndrome (Adrenal). However, he couldn't help me any further so the Hematologist referred me to an Endocrinologist.

The Endocrinologist, of course, didn't trust the other tests I had had done so I was back to square one. He ran his own multitude of tests. He had to draw blood at certain times like 9 AM. and 5 PM. There was a dexamethasone suppression test where I took a pill at 10 p.m. and gave blood at 9 am the next day. I collected gallons of urine in BIG boxes (Fun in the fridge!). Those were from 6 a.m. to 6 a.m. to be delivered to his office by 9 a.m. same day. I was always worried that I'd be stopped in rush hour and the police would ask about what was in that big container. I think I did those for a week. He also did standard neurological tests and asked lots of questions.

When the endo confirmed that I had Cushing's in 1987 he sent me to a local hospital where they repeated all those same tests for another week and decided that it was not my adrenal gland (Cushing's Syndrome) creating the problem. The doctors and nurses had no idea what to do with me, so they put me on the brain cancer ward.

When I left this hospital after a week, we didn't know any more than we had before.

As luck would have it, NIH (National Institutes of Health, Bethesda, Maryland) was doing a clinical trial of Cushing's. I live in the same area as NIH so it was not too inconvenient but very scary at first to think of being tested there. At that time I only had a choice of NIH, Mayo Clinic and a place in Quebec to do this then-rare pituitary surgery called a Transsphenoidal Resection. I chose NIH - closest and free. After I was interviewed by the Doctors there, I got a letter that I had been accepted into the clinical trial. The first time I was there was for 6 weeks as an inpatient. More of the same tests.

There were about 12 of us there and it was nice not to be alone with this mystery disease. Many of these Cushies (mostly women) were getting bald, couldn't walk, having strokes, had diabetes. One was blind, one had a heart attack while I was there. Towards the end of my testing period, I was looking forward to the surgery just to get this whole mess over with. While I was at NIH, I was gaining about a pound a day!

The MRI still showed nothing, so they did a Petrosal Sinus Sampling Test. That scared me more than the prospect of surgery. (This test carries the risk of stroke and uncontrollable bleeding from the incision points.) Catheters were fed from my groin area to my pituitary gland and dye was injected. I could watch the whole procedure on monitors. I could not move during this test or for several hours afterwards to prevent uncontrolable bleeding from a major artery. The test did show where the tumor probably was located. Also done were more sophisticated dexamethasone suppression tests where drugs were administered by IV and blood was drawn every hour (they put a heplock in my arm so they don't have to keep sticking me). I got to go home for a weekend and then went back for the surgery - the Transsphenoidal Resection. I fully expected to die during surgery (and didn't care if I did) so I signed my will and wrote last letters to those I wanted to say goodbye to. During the time I was home just before surgery, a college classmate of mine (I didn't know her) did die at NIH of a Cushing's-related problem. I'm so glad I didn't find out until a couple months later!

November 3, 1987, the surgeon, Dr. Ed Oldfield, cut the gum above my front teeth under my upper lip so there is no scar. He used tiny tools and microscopes. My tumor was removed successfully. In some cases (not mine) the surgeon uses a plug of fat from the abdomen to help seal the cut. Afterwards, I was in intensive care overnight and went to a neurology ward for a few days until I could walk without being dizzy. I had some major headaches for a day or two but they gave me drugs (morphine) for those. Also, I had cotton plugs in my nostrils. It was a big day when they came out. I had diabetes insipidus (DI) for a little while, but that went away by itself - thank goodness!

I had to use a foam product called "Toothies" to brush my teeth without hitting the incision. Before they let me go home, I had to learn to give myself an injection in my thigh. They sent me home with a supply of injectible cortisone in case my level ever fell too low (it didn't). I was weaned gradually off cortisone pills (scary). I now take no medications. I had to get a Medic Alert bracelet. I will always need to tell medical staff when I have any kind of procedure - the effects of my excess cortisone will remain forever.

I went back to the NIH for several follow-up visits of a week each where they did all the blood and urine testing again. After a few years NIH set me free. Now I go to my "outside" endocrinologist every year for the dexamethasone suppression test, 24-hour urine and regular blood testing.

As I get further away from my surgery, I have less and less chance that my tumor will grow back. I have never lost all the weight I gained and I still have the hair on my chin but most of my other symptoms are gone. I am still and always tired and need a nap most days. I do not, however, still need to take whole days off just to sleep.

I consider myself very lucky that I was treated before I got as bad as some of the others on my floor at NIH but think it is crazy that these symptoms are not taken seriously by doctors.

My story goes on and if you're interested some is on this blog and some is here:

Forbes Magazine | MaryO's bio | Cushing's and Cancer Blog | Guest Speakers | Interview Archive  1/3/08 | Cushing's Awareness Day Testimonial Archive  4/8/08 |

Because of this experience in getting a Cushing's diagnosis - and later, a prescription for growth hormone - I was concerned that there were probably other people not being diagnosed with Cushing's. When I searched online for Cushing's, all the sites that came up were for dogs and horses with Cushing's.  Not what I was looking for!

In July of 2000, I was talking with my dear friend Alice, who runs a wonderful menopause site, Power Surge, wondering why there weren't many support groups online (OR off!) for Cushing's.  This thought percolated through my mind for a few hours and I realized that maybe this was my calling.  Maybe I should be the one to start a network of support for other "Cushies" to help them empower themselves.

I wanted to educate others about the awful disease that took doctors years of my life to diagnose and treat - even after I gave them the information to diagnose me.  I didn't want anyone else to suffer for years like I did.  I wanted doctors to pay more attention to Cushing's disease.

The first website (http://www.cushings-help.com) went "live" July 21, 2000.  It was just a single page of information. The message boards began September 30, 2000 with a simple message board which then led to a larger one, and a larger.  Today, in 2009, we have over 6 thousand members.  Some "rare disease"!

The message boards are now very active and we have weekly online text chats, weekly live interviews, local meetings, conferences, email newsletters, a clothing exchange, a Cushing's Awareness Day Forum, podcasts, phone support and much more. Because I wanted to spread the word to others not on "the boards" we have extended out to social networking sites - twitter groups, facebook groups, twines, friendfeeds, newsletters, websites, chat groups, multiply.com, and much, much more.

People are becoming more empowered and participating in their own diagnoses, testing and treatment.  This have changed a lot since 1983!

When I had my Cushing's over 20 years ago, I never thought that I would meet another Cushing's patient in real life or online. Back then, I'd never even been aware that there was anything like an "online". I'm so glad that people struggling with Cushing's today don't have to suffer anymore thinking that they're the only one who deals with this.

Because of my work on the websites - and, believe me it is a ton of work! - I have had the honor of meeting over a hundred other Cushies personally at local meetings, conferences, at NIH (the National Institutes of Health in Bethesda, MD where I had my final diagnosis and surgery). It occurred to me once that this is probably more than most endocrinologists will ever see in their entire career. I've also talked to countless others on the phone. Amazing for a "rare" disease!

I don't know what pushed me in 1983, how I got the confidence and self-empowerment to challenge these doctors and their non-diagnoses over the years.  I'm glad that I didn't suffer any longer than I did and I'm glad that I have a role in helping others to find the medical help that they need.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Feeling Invisible (Golden Oldie)

From Jan 20 2007


Boy, I've wanted to post in here since this topic came up and I was planning to write something "great" and edit it and it would be perfect but, of course, I never got to that so I'm just typing as my brain crawls along.

Thanks for bringing this up, N. I do think I know what you mean. I miss a lot of the people from the past, too. I know it's very hard to stay with a site for a long time. You get better, you move along. Or you have disagreements with people, or you just get tired of saying and reading the same things over and over.

Although I have a ton of posts, I rarely post anything "real" anymore. All my stuff is news items, about new bios, updated locations, all business stuff.

Why? Well, I figure I've said everything I know already, many times. When I had my Cushing's - before there was any kind of support at all (even at home) there were no options like going to doctors on other coasts, no picking and choosing where you could go for diagnosis and treatment. I did have a surgical choice: NIH, Montreal and somewhere in San Francisco. I chose NIH because it was close, fee, and I didn't speak French.

If my endo didn't work out, there was no possible thought of traveling anywhere. I just waited until I got sick enough and someone believed me.

Nowadays, there are other options and that's a good thing. But it often brings dissent and hard feelings on the boards. People tend to believe absolutely that their doctor/surgeon is the best and want everyone to believe that, too. Or they hate their doctor/surgeon and want everyone else to believe that, too. From these poles we've had many arguments over the years. Interestingly, people who have never seem these doctors will take sides and align with a pro-East OverShoe group or an anti-West UnderShoe group and the board is split into 2 parts with a lot of unhappy people no matter which way it goes. And a lot of those people - in either group - leave. People who feel their doctor/surgeon attacked leave and people who liked the doctor/surgeon leave because they feel misunderstood.

I don't know what the solution is for that.

People leaving because they are cured is a good thing, I guess, but I'd love it if there were a sense of community service or something - if you get cured, you have to stick around and help others for X amount of time. Some people disturb me. They get what they need, have surgery, and we never see them again - or until there's a recurrence. Then, the same pattern.

And of course several people have left us because they died. And that's the worst of all. Every time someone from here dies, it just tears me up. And then there was Sue...

That's what distinguishes this board from other sites. People helping people. Everyone. I know people fall through the cracks sometimes and I hate that.

I'd love for everyone to get what they need here but the boards are just too big now for everyone to support everyone else. In the olden days, I used to respond to everyone but that's no longer possible. I can't even keep up with the new posts. I'll see a name on the boards and think it's a new person but when I look they've posted a hundred times.

A while ago, I posted something to help more people support others - it's at a link at the top of every page and it says "Help Others". It goes to this page: http://www.cushings-help.com/interactive.htm#contribute Check it out and help your fellow sufferers even more.

When these boards started I was member #1. Several board changes have changed my number but I was still there at the beginning. I knew P from AOL message boards even before I started this website and then these boards a few months later. She's right - there was N next and a husband desperately trying to get answers for his wife. Little by little the boards grew and grew. We were all very friendly because there weren't that many of us fighting the world and doctors. We only had each other.

Then, there was a legal problem with SupportPath message boards and many of those members came here. And they all "knew" each other and had a history. Of those people, I think only two are left.

Everyone else has come in on their own from places around the web, looking for help, information and support with this terrible disease that outsiders don't understand.

(I think I'm rambling now!)

I think it's very important to support everyone, whether or not you believe in their choice of doctor, treatment, whatever. YOUR way is not always right for someone else. Even if it is, they may not want to hear it.

All that being said...I've felt unsupported here, too. When my last birthday came up, it was listed along the bottom of the page and not one person said Happy Birthday to me. No one. I mentioned in Weekend Check-in that my husband had also not remembered my birthday and that spurred one person to then say Happy Birthday. I found all that to be incredibly depressing and I removed my birthday from the list. I'd rather no one know than have the info available and people not interested.

But what's worse, I think, is if there's a day with several birthdays and people will start topics to everyone of them but one. I've seen that on other boards - not sure if it happens here or not. That's like inviting everyone in your class to your party EXCEPT the overweight ugly kid with the glasses.

Since I was always the overweight ugly kid with the glasses, I know how it feels to be rejected, unloved, unsupported and I just hate for others to feel that way.

Years ago, I posted this on Power Surge (maybe here, too):

There used to be a TV show long ago which involved a cloak that would make the wearer invisible.

Sometimes, I think that I have one of these things on much of the time. People don't see me, they don't see my posts, it's like I'm just invisible.

.................

CS, I join the others who can relate to how you're feeling. People almost never respond to my posts, either. The conversation doesn't usually stop, but people who comment mention everyone's posts but mine, sometimes even thanking someone else for what I've said or the info that I've posted.

So I've stopped posting things about me pretty much. Most all of my posts now are links to other information here on Power Surge and stuff like that. I just can't bear my soul anymore and have it ignored. I've found that most people are interested in what can be done for them, not how to help someone else. I even posted about this way back in 2001, in a topic I started called Invisibility.

People rarely send me PMs. When they do, it's because they want something. I don't recall anyone ever asking how I was. I don't chat in the InstaChat anymore, either because I feel invisible, in the way, like I don't fit in. Almost like Junior High, when you're not with the "in crowd".

So, I can certainly understand how everyone has responded to you CS, as well as how you're feeling. I wish I knew the answers, though - and I hope you feel better soon!

And I still feel that way to a great extent. I don't post here (or there) about how I'm feeling. But it sure is weird to spend so many hours a day working on a site/boards and not feel a part anymore.

I feel like my combo of "stuff" is something that I don't share with anyone else. no one here probably wants to hear about my cancer fears or my fatigue issues (again!) I tried posting some of my cancer stuff as a blog but didn't get very far. Eventually, there was no response, so I locked it so I wouldn't feel hurt about that, too. I'm GH deficient but can't take growth hormone so I don't even fit into that category, either.

Boy, is this turning into a Pity Party! Sorry...time to stop this response.

Anyway, N, I'm sorry you're feeling this way and sorry I went off on a tangent with my own stuff.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Lurking through life

I think I said that another post was the last "golden oldie" but I've located another one from June 9, 2007!

I don't know if any of you read my external blog [MaryO Note: the one that the hackers got] or not, but if you do, you can skip this - mostly old stuff.

It's kind of weird, but I feel like I don't really "belong" anywhere. When I was first online, I spent a lot of time on Power Surge on AOL, later on the web. I've kind of outgrown that site, being past menopause.

But the women of PS are so much younger now, and I've said everything that was meant for me to say, so I lurk…

Out of Power Surge, came the idea to start the Cushing's Help site and later the message boards. I feel like I've said everything that there was to say there, too, especially since my surgery was nearly 20 years ago now. I don't remember most of the tests I had and my "numbers" are most certainly forgotten, if I ever knew. Who'd have thought that all these years later I would know anyone else with Cushing's? But I mainly lurk there now, too. The only thing I have to contribute is news items.

Then, of course, the cancer came along and that makes me feel really out of control. I'm on a cancer listserv but I don't contribute there, either, because I feel like I don't know enough.

How is it I manage to lurk everywhere, site on the sidelines of life, and don't really feel like I belong anywhere?

And I still feel that way to a great extent. I don't post much anywhere about how I'm feeling. But it sure is weird to spend so many hours a day working on a site/boards and not feel a part anymore.

I feel like my combo of "stuff" is something that I don't share with anyone else. No one probably wants to hear about my cancer fears or my fatigue issues (again!) I tried posting some of my cancer stuff as a blog but didn't get very far. Eventually, there was no response, so I locked it so I wouldn't feel hurt about that, too. I'm GH deficient but can't take growth hormone so I don't even fit into that category, either.

Boy, is this turning into a Pity Party! Sorry…time to stop!

Then, I got a comment from someone who wrote:
"MAYBE JUST FOCUS ON SOMETHING POSITIVE FOR A CHANGE………..THERE MUST BE SOMETHING! INSTEAD OF DWELLING ON ALL THAT IS WRONG IN YOUR LIFE……..GO AFTER SOMETHING THAT YOU WANT. DO SOMETHING CONSTRUCTIVE FOR YOURSELF……..DON'T WORRY ABOUT HELPING OTHERS BY TELLING YOUR STORY ABOUT WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU. DO SOMETHING TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT WITHIN YOURSELF - THROW SOME SEEDS ON THE LAWN FOR THE BIRDS, DIVIDE THE OVERGROWN PERENNIALS, PAINT A FENCE. IF YOU GET TIRED, FINISH IT LATER. MAKE YOUR SELF BUSY WITH SOMETHING OTHER THAN COMPLAINING ALL THE TIME. PURSUE A PASSION, ANYTHING"

Sheesh! I complain all the time and I should make myself busy?!?

I should be getting excited about an upcoming cruise but there's a bit of a delay with one of the pieces of paper we need to take and I'm getting concerned about that. The cruise is less than 2 weeks away and we should have had this document 3-4 weeks ahead of time. I called last week and someone was "working on it". Called again yesterday and got no response, no response to my email, either.

I mentioned this to my husband and he put up his hand and said "Stop". He might as well have hit me. How can he tell me to stop talking, especially about something that potentially affects this trip?

Anyway, when I stopped talking - about everything - he complained that I shouldn't treat him like this. Hello?

So... I have no online friends anymore, can't talk to my husband, counselor is out of town, real life friends are away or unavailable, Sue is dead. I might as well be a hermit.

Nobody wants to even hear about the cancer - it was "gone" last year so why worry? So I have to keep my fears about recurrence and mets to myself. Everything is always "fine".

Just like the original blog title - I'm Lurking Through Life and feeling like crap.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

About me

This is from my "official bio"

Christmas 1981 Around 1983 I first started to realize I was really sick. At first I noticed I'd stopped having my periods and, of course, I thought I was pregnant. I went to my Gynecologist who had no explanation. Then I got really tired. I would take my son to a half hour Choir rehearsal and could not stay awake for the whole time.

A whole raft of other symptoms started appearing - I grew a beard (Hirsuitism), gained weight even though I was on Weight Watchers and working out at the gym nearly every day, lost my period, everything hurt, got what is called a "moon face" and a "buffalo hump" on the back of my neck. I also got stretch marks. I was very depressed but it's hard to say if that was because of the hormone imbalance or because I felt so bad and no one would listen to me.

I came across a little article in the Ladies Home Journal which said "If you have these symptoms...ask your doctor about Cushing's". After that, I started reading everything I could on Cushing's and asking my doctors. Due to all my reading at the library, I was sure I had Cushing's but no one would believe me. Doctors would say that Cushing's Disease is too rare, that I was making this up and that I couldn't have it.

Gaining weight in 1986 My husband just told me to think "happy thoughts" and it would all go away. A Neurologist gave me Xanax. Since he couldn't see my tumor with his Magnetic Resonance Imaging (MRI) machine there was "no possibility" that it existed. Boy was he wrong!

In late 1986 I started bruising incredibly easily. I could touch my skin and get a bruise. On New Year's Day of 1987 I started bleeding under the skin. My husband made circles around the outside perimeter each hour with a marker. When I went to my Internist the next day he was shocked at the size. He now thought I had a blood disorder so he sent me to a Hematologist/Oncologist.
Fall 1986 I was also having trouble with my feet and walking, so I had the distinction of going to two doctors in one day, a Podiatrist in the morning and the Hematologist/Oncologist in the afternoon.

Fortunately, the Hematologist/Oncologist ran a twenty-four hour urine test and really looked at me. Both he and his partner recognized that I had Cushing's.

It was not yet determined if it was Cushing's Disease (Pituitary) or Syndrome (Adrenal). However, he couldn't help me any further so the Hematologist referred me to an Endocrinologist.

The Endocrinologist, of course, didn't trust the other tests I had had done so I was back to square one. He ran his own multitude of tests. He had to draw blood at certain times like 9 AM. and 5 PM. There was a dexamethasone suppression test where I took a pill at 10 p.m. and gave blood at 9 am the next day. I collected gallons of urine in BIG boxes (Fun in the fridge!). Those were from 6 a.m. to 6 a.m. to be delivered to his office by 9 a.m. same day. I was always worried that I'd be stopped in rush hour and the police would ask about what was in that big container. I think I did those for a week. He also did standard neurological tests and asked lots of questions.

March 1987 after a week of testing When he confirmed that I had Cushing's he sent me to a local hospital where they repeated all those same tests for another week and decided that it was not my adrenal gland (Cushing's Syndrome) creating the problem. The doctors and nurses had no idea what to do with me, so they put me on the brain cancer ward.

When I left this hospital after a week, we didn't know any more than we had before.

As luck would have it, NIH (National Institutes of Health, Bethesda, Maryland) was doing a clinical trial of Cushing's. I live in the same area as NIH so it was not too inconvenient but very scary at first to think of being tested there. At that time I only had a choice of NIH, Mayo Clinic and a place in Quebec to do this then-rare pituitary surgery called a Transsphenoidal Resection. I chose NIH - closest and free. After I was interviewed by the Doctors there, I got a letter that I had been accepted into the clinical trial. The first time I was there was for 6 weeks as an inpatient. More of the same tests.

There were about 12 of us there and it was nice not to be alone with this mystery disease. Many of these Cushies (mostly women) were getting bald, couldn't walk, having strokes, had diabetes. One was blind, one had a heart attack while I was there. Towards the end of my testing period, I was looking forward to the surgery just to get this whole mess over with. While I was at NIH, I was gaining about a pound a day!

The MRI still showed nothing, so they did a Petrosal Sinus Sampling Test. That scared me more than the prospect of surgery. (This test carries the risk of stroke and uncontrollable bleeding from the incision points.) Catheters were fed from my groin area to my pituitary gland and dye was injected. I could watch the whole procedure on monitors. I could not move during this test or for several hours afterwards to prevent uncontrolable bleeding from a major artery. The test did show where the tumor probably was located. Also done were more sophisticated dexamethasone suppression tests where drugs were administered by IV and blood was drawn every hour (they put a heplock in my arm so they don't have to keep sticking me). I got to go home for a weekend and then went back for the surgery - the Transsphenoidal Resection. I fully expected to die during surgery (and didn't care if I did) so I signed my will and wrote last letters to those I wanted to say goodbye to. During the time I was home just before surgery, a college classmate of mine (I didn't know her) did die at NIH of a Cushing's-related problem. I'm so glad I didn't find out until a couple months later!

November 3, 1987, the surgeon, Dr. Ed Oldfield, cut the gum above my front teeth under my upper lip so there is no scar. He used tiny tools and microscopes. My tumor was removed successfully. In some cases (not mine) the surgeon uses a plug of fat from the abdomen to help seal the cut. Afterwards, I was in intensive care overnight and went to a neurology ward for a few days until I could walk without being dizzy. I had some major headaches for a day or two but they gave me drugs (morphine) for those. Also, I had cotton plugs in my nostrils. It was a big day when they came out. I had diabetes insipidus (DI) for a little while, but that went away by itself - thank goodness!

I had to use a foam product called "Toothies" to brush my teeth without hitting the incision. Before they let me go home, I had to learn to give myself an injection in my thigh. They sent me home with a supply of injectible cortisone in case my level ever fell too low (it didn't). I was weaned gradually off cortisone pills (scary). I now take no medications. I had to get a Medic Alert bracelet. I will always need to tell medical staff when I have any kind of procedure - the effects of my excess cortisone will remain forever.

I went back to the NIH for several follow-up visits of a week each where they did all the blood and urine testing again. After a few years NIH set me free. Now I go to my "outside" endocrinologist every year for the dexamethasone suppression test, 24-hour urine and regular blood testing.

As I get further away from my surgery, I have less and less chance that my tumor will grow back. I have never lost all the weight I gained and I still have the hair on my chin but most of my other symptoms are gone. I am still and always tired and need a nap most days. I do not, however, still need to take whole days off just to sleep.

I consider myself very lucky that I was treated before I got as bad as some of the others on my floor at NIH but think it is crazy that these symptoms are not taken seriously by doctors.

Tom and me in Barbados

Update: Fall, 1999:

I went for my regular testing with my private endocrinologist.

Besides the annual testing, he told me that my pituitary gland is shutting down, so I must always have extra cortisone (Cortef) for any medical stress such as surgery or the flu.

Many people are now finding that they need HgH after pituitary surgery, so an Insulin Tolerance Test was performed. My endocrinologist painted a very rosey picture of how wonderful I'd feel on Growth Hormone. It sounded like a miracle drug to me!

I was only asked to fast before the ITT and to bring someone with me to take me home. There is no way I could have driven home. I got very cold during the test and they let me have a blanket. Also, though, lying still on that table for so long, my back hurt later. I'd definitely take - or ask for - a pillow for my back next time. They gave me a rolled up blanket for under my knees, too.

I don't remember much about the test at all. I remember lying very still on the table. The phlebotomist took blood first, then tried to insert the IV (it took a few tries, of course). Then the endo himself put the insulin in through the IV and took the blood out of that. I remember the nurse kept asking me stupid questions - I'm sure to see how I was doing on the consciousness level. I'd imagine I sounded like a raving lunatic, although I believed that I was giving rational answers at the time.

Then everything just got black...I have no idea for how long, and the next thing I knew I was becoming aware of my surroundings again and the doctor was mumbling something. They gave me some juice and had me sit up very slowly, then sit on the edge of the table for a while. When I thought I could get up, they gave me some glucose tablets "for the road" and called my friend in. I was still kind of woozy, but they let her take me out, very wobbly, kind of drunk feeling.

My friend took me to a close-by restaurant - I was famished - but I still had trouble with walking and felt kind of dazed for a while. When I got home, I fell asleep on the sofa for the rest of the day.

But the most amazing thing happened. Saturday and Sunday I felt better than I had for 20 years. I had all this energy and I was flying high! It was so wonderful and I hoped that that was from the HgH they gave me to wake me up.

Edgewater Inn, Barbados

I will have to take this test annually until I do I do qualify for HgH. I got a small taste of what I would feel like on this drug - that weekend I felt much better than I can remember feeling in a very long time. Hopefully, at some point, I will "qualify" for this drug, even though it means a daily injection. I would really like to feel better sometime - less tired, less depressed, more human.

In July of 2000, I was talking with my dear friend Alice, who runs a wonderful menopause site, Power Surge, wondering why there weren't many support groups online (OR off!) for Cushing's and I wondered if I could start one myself and we decided that I could. This website (http://www.cushings-help.com) first went "live" July 21, 2000 and the message boards September 30, 2000. Hopefully, with this site, I'm going to make some helpful differences in someone else's life.

The message boards are very active and we have weekly online text chats, weekly live interviews, local meetings, email newsletters, a clothing exchange, a Cushing's Awareness Day Forum, podcasts, phone support and much more.

Whenever one of the members of the boards gets into NIH, I try to go to visit them there. Other board members participate in the "Cushie Helper" program where they support others with one-on-one support, doctor/hospital visits, transportation issues and more.

My husband, Tom (pictured above) posted this on the message boards:

"I just read your description of the 9 year ordeal. I am Mary's husband and much of your story was familiar.

Mary diagnosed her own illness. After a prolonged journey from doctor to doctor.

After her surgery and recovery, I found myself at a neurologist's office for some trivial ailment and the place seemed familiar.

Then it dawned on me that I had been there before with Mary. This was one of the doctors who had failed to listen. Or perhaps simply had no knowledge base about Cushing's.

In any event, I stopped the process I was there for and changed the subject to the previous visit 4 years ago. I told the doctor to look up his records on Mary O'Connor and study them. Told him that what he would see in his files was a case of Cushing's, misdiagnosed as something that might respond to Valium.

I said he could learn something and perhaps help the next person who arrived with Cushing's.

Out of fairness to the medics, the ailment is so rare that a doctor can go his entire career and never see a single case. And it is certainly possible that the doctor may fail to diagnose the few cases they may see.

Mary's surgery was done at NIH. It came down to them or the Mayo Clinic. At the time we did not realize that NIH was free and we selected them over Mayo based on their success and treatment record. They were happy to learn they had beat Mayo without a price advantage. We were happy to hear it was free.

During the same time Mary was at NIH, another woman had the same operation. She came from Mary's home town. They were class mates at college. They had the same major. They were the same age. They had the same surgical and medical team. Mary recovered. The other woman died during surgery.

I am an aggressive person who deals directly with problems. I enjoy conflict and I thrive in it.

This experience made clear how little we control. And how much depends on the grace of God.

This year we celebrated our 28th anniversary. Our son has grown into a fine young man and is succeeding admirably in college.


Life is the answer. We keep going on....undaunted and ever hopeful.

Tom O'Connor"

Update July 26, 2001

I saw the endo today. My pituitary function is continuing to drop, so August 6, I'll Be having another ITT, as described above. Hopefully, after this one, I'll be able to take Growth Hormone and start feeling better!

Update August 6, 2001

I had the ITT this morning. I don't get any results until a week from Thursday, but I do know that I didn't recover from the insulin injection as quickly as I did last time. The endo made a graph for my husband of me today and a "normal" person, although I can't imagine what normal person would do this awful test! A normal person's blood sugar would drop very quickly then rise again at about a right angle on the graph.

I dropped a little more slowly, then stayed very low for a long time, then slowly started to rise. On the graph, mine never recovered as much as the normal person, but I'm sure that I did, eventually.

The test this time wasn't as difficult as I remember it being, which is good. Last time around, I felt very sweaty, heart pounding. I don't remember any of that this time around. I do know that I "lost" about an hour, though. The phlebotomist took the first blood at 9:15, then the endo injected the insulin and took blood every 15 minutes after that. I counted (or remembered) only 4 of the blood draws, but it was 11:30 when they told me that my sugar wasn't coming up enough yet and I'd have to stay another 30 minutes. It actually ended up being another hour.

Kim, the phlebotomist, asked me if I got a headache when they "crashed me" and I have no recollection of any of that.

Like last time, I was very, very cold, even with the blanket and my left arm - where the heplock was - fell asleep. Other than that - and my back hurting from lying on one of those tables all that time this wasn't as bad as I remembered.

So, I waited for 10 days...

Update Fall, 2002.

The endo refused to discuss my fatigue or anything at all with me until I lost 10 pounds. He said I wasn't worth treating in my overweight condition and that I was setting myself up for a heart attack. He gave me 3 months to lose this weight. Those 3 months included Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years.

I know that I would like to lose weight, but I'd like to do it on my own terms, not over Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years, not because this endo was rude about it. I left his office in tears. I'm now looking for a new one...

Update Fall, 2004

I left my previous endo in November of 2002. He was just too rude, telling me that I was setting myself up for a heart attack and that I wasn't worth treating. I had left his office in tears.

Anyway, I tried for awhile to get my records. He wouldn't send them, even at doctors' or my requests. Finally, my husband went to his office and threatened him with a court order, The office manager managed to come up with about 13 pages of records. For going to him from 1986 to 2001, that doesn't seem like enough records to me.

I had emailed NIH and they said that they would be "happy" to treat me, but it was long between emails, and it looked like things were moving s-l-o-w-l-y. I had also contacted UVa, but they couldn't do anything without those records.

Last April, many of us from the message boards went to the UVa Pituitary Days Convention. By chance, we met a wonderful woman named Barbara Craven. She sat at our table for lunch on the last day and, after we learned that she was a dietitian who had had Cushing's, one of us jokingly asked her if she'd do a guest chat for us. I didn't follow through on this until she emailed me one day last summer. In the email, she asked how I was doing. Usually I say "fine" or "ok" but for some reason, I told her exactly how awful I was feeling.

Barbara emailed me back and said I should see a doctor at Johns Hopkins. And I said I didn't think I could get a recommendation to there, so SHE referred me. The doctor got right back to me, set up an appointment. Between his vacation and mine, that first appointment turned out to be Tuesday, Sept 14, 2004.

Just getting through the maze at Johns Hopkins was amazing. They have the whole system down to a science, moving from one place to another to sign in, then go here, then window 6, then... But it was very efficient.

My new doctor was wonderful. Understanding, knowledgeable. He never once said that I was "too fat" or "depressed" or that all this was my own fault. I feel so validated, finally.

He looked through my records, especially at my 2 previous Insulin Tolerance Tests. From those, he determined that my growth hormone has been low since at least August 2001 and I've been adrenal insufficient since at least Fall, 1999 - possibly as much as 10 years! I was amazed to hear all this, and astounded that my former endo not only didn't tell me any of this, he did nothing. He had known both of these things - they were in the past records that I took with me. Perhaps that was why he had been so reluctant to share copies of those records. He had given me Cortef in the fall of 1999 to take just in case I had "stress" and that was it.

The new endo took a lot of blood (no urine!) for cortisol and thyroid stuff. I'm going back on Sept. 28, 2004 for arginine, cortrosyn and IGF testing.

He has said that I will end up on daily cortisone - a "sprinkling" - and some form of GH, based on the testing the 28th.

So, in a couple weeks, I might start feeling better! Wowee!

For those who are interested, my new endo is Roberto Salvatori, M.D.
Assistant Professor of Medicine at Johns Hopkins

Medical School: Catholic University School of Medicine, Rome, Italy
Residency: Montefiore Medical Center
Fellowship: Cornell University, Johns Hopkins University
Board Certification: Endocrinology and Metabolism, Internal Medicine

Clinical Interests: Neuroendocrinology, pituitary disorders, adrenal disorders

Research Interests: Control of growth hormone secretion, genetic causes of growth hormone deficiency, consequences of growth hormone deficiency.

Update October, 2004

I had cortrosyn and arginine-GHRH stimulation test at Johns Hopkins. They confirmed what the doctor learned from reading my 4 year old records - that I'm both adrenal-deficient and growth hormone-deficient. I started on my "sprinkle" (5 mg twice a day) of Cortef now and my new doctor has started the paperwork for GH so maybe I'm on my way...

Yea!!!

It feels weird to be going back on the cortisone after being off for so many years but at this point, I think I'd sell my soul to the devil not to feel the way I've been feeling for the last several years.

Update November, 2004

Although I have this wonderful doctor, a specialist in growth hormone deficiency at Johns Hopkins, my insurance company saw fit to over-ride his opinions and his test results based on my past pharmaceutical history! Hello??? How could I have a history of taking GH when I've never taken it before?

Of course, I found out late on a Friday afternoon. By then it was too late to call my case worker at the drug company, so we'll see on Monday what to do about an appeal. My local insurance person is also working on an appeal, but the whole thing sounds like just another long ordeal of finding paperwork, calling people, FedExing stuff, too much work when I just wanted to start feeling better by Thanksgiving. I guess that's not going to happen, at least by the 2004 one.

As it turns out the insurance company rejected the brand of hGH that was prescribed for me. They gave me the ok for a growth hormone was just FDA-approved for adults on 11/4/04. The day this medication was approved for adults was the day after my insurance said that's what is preferred for me. In the past, this form of hGH was only approved for children with height issues. Am I going to be a ginuea pig again? The new GH company has assigned a rep for me, has submitted info to pharmacy, waiting for insurance approval, again.

Update December 7, 2004

I finally started the Growth Hormone last night - it's like a rebirth for me. I look forward to having my life back in a few months!

Update January 3, 2005

After a lot of phone calls and paperwork, the insurance company finally came through at the very last minute, just as I needed my second month's supply. Of course, the pharmacy wouldn't send it unless they were paid for the first month. They had verbal approval from the insurance, but the actual claim was denied. Talk about a cliff hanger!

Update January 25, 2005

I've been on the growth hormone for 7 weeks now, and see no change in my tiredness and fatigue. A couple weeks ago, I thought there was a bit of improvement. I even exercised a little again, but that was short lived.

I feel like my stomach is getting bigger, and Tom says my face is looking more Cushie again. Maybe from the cortisone I've been taking since October. I can't wait until my next endo appointment in March to increase my GH. I want to feel better already!

Update March 21, 2005

My endo appointment is over. My endo thinks that my weight gain is from the cortisone, as I'd suspected. He cut that amount in half to see if I would stop gaining weight and maybe lose a little. Because of the adrenal insufficiency, I can't completely stop it, thought. My IGF-1 was "normal" so I can't increase the GH.

I made a vacation of this trip, though. A friend and I stayed 2 nights in a hotel and had some fun. The hotel had an indoor pool, hot tub, sauna, exercise room, wireless internet access, free shuttles to Johns Hopkins and the Baltimore Inner Harbor. We had a good time for ourselves, so I came home from this endo trip more tired than ever. Over the weekend, I took 7-hour naps on both Saturday and Sunday. Hopefully, that will get better as my body adjusts to the loser dose of Cortef.

Update September, 2005.

My last endo appointment I had lost some weight but not enough. My energy levels are down again, so my endo increased the cortisone slightly. I hope I don't start gaining again. I don't see any benefit with the growth hormone.

Update January, 2006.

A new year, a new insurance battle. Once again, they don't want to pay so I have to go through the whole approval process again. This involves phone calls to Norditropin (the company that makes the GH), my endo, iCore Specialty Pharmacy (the people who prepare and ship the meds) and my insurance company. This is turning into a full-time job!

Update April 14, 2006

I just went to see my endo again on Thursday to see how things are. Although I know how they are - I'm still tired, gaining a little weight, getting some red spots (petechiae) on my midsection. He also noted that I have a "little" buffalo hump again.

My endo appointment is over. Turns out that the argenine test that was done 2 years ago was done incorrectly. The directions were written unclearly and the test run incorrectly, not just for me but for everyone who had this test done there for a couple years. My endo discovered this when he was writing up a research paper and went to the lab to check on something.

So, I'm off GH again for 2 weeks, then I'm supposed to be retested. The "good news" is that the argenine test is only 90 minutes now instead of 3 hours.

Update June 2, 2006

Wow, what a nightmare my argenine retest started! I went back for that Thursday, April 27, 2006. Although the test was shorter, I got back to my hotel and just slept and slept. I was so glad that I hadn't decided to go home after the test.

Friday I felt fine and drove back home, no problem. I picked up my husband for a biopsy and took him to an outpatient surgical center. While I was there waiting for the biopsy to be completed, I started noticing blood in my urine and major abdominal cramps. I left messages for several of my doctors on what I should do. I finally decided to see my PCP after I got my husband home.

When Tom was done with his testing, his doctor took one look at me and asked if I wanted an ambulance. I said no, that I thought I could make it to the emergency room ok - Tom couldn't drive because of the anaesthetic they had given him. I barely made it to the ER and left the car with Tom to park. Tom's doctor followed us to the ER and became my new doctor.

They took me in pretty fast since I was in so much pain, and had the blood in my urine. They thought it was a kidney stone. After a CT scan, my new doctor said that, yes, I had a kidney stone but it wasn't the worst of my problems, that I had kidney cancer. Wow, what a surprise that was! I was admitted to that hospital, had more CT scans, MRIs, bone scans, they looked everywhere.

My open radical nephrectomy was May 9, 2006 in another hospital from the one where the initial diagnosis was made. My surgeon felt that he needed a specialist from that hospital because he believed preop that my tumor had invaded into the vena cava because of its appearance on the various scans. Luckily, that was not the case.

My entire left kidney and the encapsulated cancer (10 pounds worth!) were removed, along with my left adrenal gland and some lymph nodes. Although the cancer (renal cell carcinoma AKA RCC) was very close to hemorrhaging, the surgeon believes he got it all. He said I was so lucky. If the surgery had been delayed any longer, the outcome would have been much different. I will be repeating the CT scans every 3 months, just to be sure that there is no cancer hiding anywhere. As it turns out, I can never say I'm cured, just NED (no evidence of disease). This thing can recur at any time, anywhere in my body.

I credit the argenine re-test with somehow aggravating my kidneys and revealing this cancer. Before the test, I had no clue that there was any problem. The argenine test showed that my IGF is still low but due to the kidney cancer I cannot take my growth hormone for another 5 years - so the test was useless anyway, except to hasten this newest diagnosis.

Update August 19, 2006

I've been even more tired than usual now that I'm off GH. I can't take my arthritis meds, or anything like Excedrin (no NSAIDs) so my joints are nearly always bothering me and I have to wait out any headaches. I'm also just getting over a UTI.

I just had my 3 month post-op CT scans and I hope they come out ok. At first I was grateful that I wouldn't have to have chemo or radiation come to find out that neither has been discovered yet which works well with kidney cancer. Apparently, it can resurface any time for the rest of my life. I'm hoping that some of the chemo clinical trials show some good results so I can get this thing before it metastasizes somewhere.

I'm having trouble sleeping (1:20 AM here, now) although I'm always tired.

Whine, whine!

On the plus side - I survived the kidney cancer surgery, and it's almost vacation time!

Even vacation will be bittersweet, though. 2 years ago, Sue went with us on vacation. She had a great time and she had asked if she could go with us again this year. Of course, we had said yes...

Update October 26, 2006

I went to see my Johns Hopkins endo again last week. He doesn't "think" that my cancer was caused by the growth hormone although it may well have encouraged the tumor to grow faster than it would have.

He was happy to see that I had lost 22 pounds since my last 6 month visit. Not all of that was from surgery! He reminded me that I can take more cortisone, but I hate to do that because I gain weight so fast when I take more.

He thought that my blood pressure was low - for me, not for "normal" people. He took my pressure several times, lying down, getting up quickly. But I never got dizzy. Maybe my pressure increase was temporary when the cancer started. All these mysteries I have that no one can answer.

My energy levels are lower than when I was on GH, and they're lower again because I had the adrenal removed, because of my panhypopit, because of my cancer even though currently NED, it can come back at any time, because of my GH deficiency...

Every day is a challenge getting up, doing something useful, doing something without arthritic pain and weakness, having the energy to finish even something "easy". I'm starting to get very depressed over all this. If this is the way the rest of my life is going to be, why bother?

People mostly assume that everything is OK with me because I am not getting chemo or radiation and because I look so "healthy" (thanks to the Cushing's/daily Cortef!). They figure that if there was any real danger of the cancer metasticizing that I would be on chemo, like other cancer patients do. They don't understand that I have to wait and pray because there are no approved ajuvant treatments. If/when my cancer returns, it's just more surgery. If I'm "lucky" enough and get to a stage 4 THEN I can have chemo/radiation as a pallative measure.

Update December 2006

According to my PCP my blood pressure is truly low. But can I go off these bp meds? Nope...because I have only one kidney, these would have been prescribed anyway as a support for my kidney. Can't win!

I am maintaining my weight loss but none of my clothes are loose, I can't fit in anything smaller. Belly is still there. So the weight loss is just a numbers game.

Update March 2007

I posted this on the message boards in late February but many missed it and are still asking...

Walking Wounded, the sequel!

Wow! I guess I haven't been on the boards for 2 weeks or so. I see that I have dozens of PMs to read, many emails to check/answer and I missed at least one person who had ordered an Awareness Bracelet that I never sent.

My Monday appointment with the surgeon went ok. He took blood/urine and was going to send me for CT scans. That day, as I recall was very cold here with a wind chill of something like -7o

I came home and taught my piano students, as usual.

Tuesday morning I woke up and my back hurt. I assumed it was from the cold combined with my arthritis. That got worse throughout the day so I called my PCP. Naturally, he was away until the 19th but had a substitute I could see Wed. I didn't want to wait because the pain was excruciating by now and I couldn't get out of chairs or sofa without using the walker I had from surgery to help pull me up.

So I called my husband at work and he said he'd come home and take me to the ER. I had been supposed to have handbell rehearsal that night so I called my director and let her know I wouldn't make it. She assumed that Tom (husband) would be home sooner than he was, so she got the associate pastor from my church and they headed to the ER to wait with us.

They asked about me at the front desk and were assured that I was there although they didn't see me. I guess they thought I was with the triage nurse or something. So they waited. Then a Melissa O'Connor was called... My people realized it wasn't me and left.

Finally, Tom got home - he had really important work to do (sarcastically said!) and I got to the ER about 6:00PM. Last time I was there, they told me I had kidney cancer, so I was hoping that there was no rerun of that experience!

The triage nurse let me wait on a gurney instead of one of the hard plastic chairs in the waiting room.

Unfortunately, they also wanted blood and urine. My only good arm had been used by the neurosurgeon the day before. Luckily the nurse finally got the IV in to my other arm. I guess my veins are a bit better post-Cushing's. No collapses this time.

They did CT scans (so I don't have to do my surgeon's ones - YEA!) and XRays and found basically nothing except lung nodules that hadn't grown much since my last scan - say what? I didn't know I HAD lung nodules.

I got some percocet and they sent me home with orders to see the sub PCP in 2 days. The percocet didn't do much except make me sleepy/groggy. My days were spent watching TV and sleeping. Even sitting at the computer or the table was too painful.

Tom took me to the sub PCP on that Friday and she's sending me to physical therapy.

Until yesterday, I didn't drive at all, and the weather has been awful, so I haven't even called about the PT yet.

There is still a little pain, and I need the walker to get out of bed, but I'm doing much better.

A weird side thing - Tom was driving my car since it's a van and much heavier than his midlife crisis sports car. The van does much better with snow and ice that we had the last couple weeks.

One day he got it home, slammed the door - and the window slid down into the door. Somehow it got off the tracks. Luckily the glass didn't break. So that was a bit of a problem and $$. No one had ever even heard of this problem before.

Anyway, I hope to get to your PMs, emails and whatever ASAP!

It feels a bit weird being here - like my baby has grown up, left home and doesn't need me anymore. Can you have Empty Nest Syndrome for message boards? LOL

I have started a new Blog called Cushing’s, Cancer & Music and I plan to keep that updated a little more often than this bio. Rather than the actual events that have taken place, I am letting some of my pent-up feelings out. NOTE: This blog was destroyed by hackers in June 2008 :( I don't know when or if I will ever have the energy to rebuild it.

Alaskan Cruise, 2007On an Alaskan cruise, June 2007. More about the cruise.


As of the Columbus meeting July 21, 2007 I have met 70 members of the message boards (listed as Friends) in addition to Cushies who are NOT on the boards! I have travelled to meet Cushies at NIH in Bethesda, MD, Ohio, Pennsylvania, Oklahoma, Michigan, Wisconsin, Illinois, New York, Florida, Tennessee, Connecticut, UVa in Southern Virginia and Oregon.

I was so stupid way back in 1987 when I thought that all my troubles would be over when my pituitary surgery was over.

And so I wait...


Cushings-Help.com, and quotes from MaryO was included in the Cover Story of this issue of Forbes Magazine, Best of the Web Issue. The title: "Use With Care" by Matthew Schifrin and Howard Wolinsky.

Hopefully, this kind of mainstream exposure will help increase awareness for this often misunderstood disease. Read the article here.


MaryOVOICE Chat
Listen live to an archived interview from Thursday, January 3, 2008 with MaryO. Achived audio is available through the Podcast page of this site, BlogTalkRadio, the CushingsHelp Podcast or through iTunes Podcasts

Jayne and Robin also hosted a Special Cushing's Awareness Day live chat April 8, 2008. This chat included a lot of comments about MaryO. Archives are available.

Listen to CushingsHelp on internet talk radio