I have saved some of my "lost" posts and from time to time I'll add them here...maybe :)
From June 21, 2005, entitled I Wish...
...I weren't so tired - a recurring theme in my blog entries. But I wish that I could live more, enjoy life more, be more "real" and I think I have to be less tired to accomplish all that.
But what if I get less tired and find out that this is all that there is? Life is more than half over and there's nothing more for me, everything good that's supposed to happen already has. What a depressing thought.
I'm not depressed right now, but these down-type feelings keep creeping into my thinking. Midlife crisis? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe I've spent my life being too afraid to really live, to talk to people, to do things.
I'm always looking around, seeing what other people think and changing my thinking to what I think would make them approve of me. It doesn't always work, and I usually feel like I've sold out somehow by not being me by honoring my own thoughts and wishes. Sometimes I don't even know which are really my own thoughts and which I've picked up along the line from others.
Drat! A middle age wimp! I need to get a spine surgically implanted.