Monday, August 4, 2008


I feel it coming on, again. I'm not sure if this is a cyclical kind of thing, that I'd have it no matter what about now.

I think that the party on Saturday helped to trigger it, though. I never feel comfortable around others, especially people I don't know at all. I never know what to say and I have trouble answering questions. Other adults work, have important jobs. What do I do? I teach piano and have some websites. WooHoo. Practically everyone and her sister has a website now. That can't possibly be a job.

Sometimes my husband tells them about the Cushing's sites. But that's still not "work" surely.

I think all this adds up to me becoming depressed so often. I don't feel like I contribute to society, I don't have an important job, don't travel to exotic locations to be an expert witness, don't produce PowerPoint slides and Excel spreadsheets every day.

My life consists of a little piano teaching, some web stuff...and napping/sleeping. What kind of life is that?

I don't see it getting any better, either - I've been sick for 25 years, over half my life. The only thing that might have helped me (but didn't) was the growth hormone. Now, thanks to the kidney cancer, I can't take that, either.

I'm just taking up space here, killing time, wasting family money.

I sure hope this depression passes quickly this time. I just hate feeling like this so often.