Reprinted with permission from the Message Boards.
I went through my cushie folder and found this, a letter from my journal..
I was going through my folder, and I found a entry in my journal that brought me to tears and reminded me just how difficult it is living with this disease. This was before I had even heard of Cushings. My depression was very very bad. One of the very 1st things that I noticed that was gone after surgey was my depression..all these feelings were due to
"Since I have nobody to talk to, I am going to write, I talk to myself all the time, this way seems a little less nuts. I have decided to not fight anymore, not throw back anymore pills. I'm not going to go threw anymore dr. appts. I honestly do not see the use.
I don't feel wanted in this life, but I don't feel like God wants me in his heaven either. I'm so tired of asking why and getting no answer..why am I here? I have no purpose, here or anywhere. I am a waste, a total burden. Everyone I have ever loved does not at all care whether I live or die. It will probably be weeks if not months before anyone knows I am gone.
I just want to be understood a little bit, sometimes. I really do have feelings, I'm not mean, I want hugs and want to give hugs just like everyone else. I am not destined to be happy, here or anywhere. I have been a better person for a long time now but still I am always paying for my mistakes, it will never end.
I cry every single day. Mostly because I'm so scared, and alone. Alone even though I am married. Ive lost everything. My mother, father AGAIN and for the last time, my sister again , and also for the last time. My best friend Tara, who turns out I never really knew, even though I was my most true self in everyway. She said "you will miss me before I ever miss you" She was right, and that kills me. Ive lost my best friend and husband Tim. I don't know how, I don't know exactly where or when, all I know is he left me mentally, I lost my husband, my lover, my everything in him. He's gone. My marriage is ruined, over. I lost my children, my teenager, who is the only person in this entire world who might miss me, probably just because Ive known her so long. She has her own problems. E is determined to kill me I think. T must hate me , I understand why, I'm sorry for the pain I must cause him. Most of all I have lost myself. I am a wreck. Most days I try to hide it, some days I'm sure it shows, and those are the days I am unpredictable, sometimes I am angry, and I come off as being a nag or a b**ch. Other days I am sad, well most days I am sad. I cry alot more than I'd like to admit. I try to not wear mascara too much, so that nobody will know I have no hope left.
I used to find things funny even when stuff was bad. Not anymore. I lost my looks. I am gross, my hair has been falling out and turning gray from stress I suspect. I am always broke out, from stress I suspect. I am so ugly. I don't even look in the mirror anymore, because I cry. I am so fat. I weigh 200 lbs, I am so disgusting. That alone makes me want to kill myself. I have lost my health, terrible blood pressure, worse than anyone I have ever heard of. I take so many pills. My heart is probably really f***ed up, my kidneys hurt now too. I won't lie and say I'm not sraced, because I am terrified, just because of the unknown. I just don't want to feel like this anymore. I'm so lonely. I feel so unwanted. I feel like T doesn't want me. He just feels bad for me. I feel like he doesn't want to be home with me. I feel lke he is doing bad things when he is out. I can't compete with his job. He says he loves me, but I can't see it anymore.
I'm pathetic, I have nowhere to go, nobody will help me, so once again I'm stuck. Dependent should be my middle name. So I'm going to change everything. He and everyone else is off the hook now. I won't b**ch or nag to T anymore about falling asleep on me, about all the stuff with his job. He always says "I don't go out with the guys like everyone else" which tells me he wants to. He can now. I won't say anything anymore. He can do anything he wants, he doesn't have to be held back by me anymore. I won't b**ch about how I don't feel good, I will keep all my pain and worry to myself. I'm not going to ask for anything anymore, it's all a waste..like me. I'm not going to take any of my pills, I just want to let God do what he needs to do with me. Things will be alot better for everyone to not have to deal with me. No more of "walking on eggshells". No more of my "issues".
Who did I wrong in my past life?? Must have been someone important because any and everything that could happen to a person has indeed happened to me. I just want to be happy for more than a few seconds. I wanted to love without fear and to be loved without judgement. Loyalty, understanding, contentment, faithfulness, truth, passion, fidelity..into eternity, all a dream for me, never my reality.