Friday, February 20, 2009

The Internet can be a wonderful place But...

...sometimes it can lead you down paths you don't want to/shouldn't go.

I started this post a few days ago and couldn't continue.

I follow the blog of a woman who is dying of "my" cancer.  She's doing it with grace and dignity.  Her friends and family are leaving wonderfully supportive comments.  She seems to be so loved - by everyone.

It makes me wonder about how it will be for me.  I don't have that many real life friends and very little family.

I remember being a college student when my Nana died.  The family - my step-granddad, my father, my mom and I - sat for hours at the calling hours and no one came.  Same with the funeral.  Just us, and a minister.

How sad is that?  To live your whole life and at the end there's no one?

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On another completely different note, one of the message boards I participate in recently asked the question of whether the members still felt pretty.

That raised a whole can of worms for me.  I have never, ever felt pretty.  Even when I was a kid and your parents are supposed to think you're cute, my family let me know that I was fat and ugly. 

When by a fluke of teenage nature I was going to a prom and showing off my dress my grandmother only said that I'd inherited the family moles.  Not even that the dress was nice.  Just another of my imperfections.

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So...I've been depressed for about a month now.  I'm feeling overwhelmed, overworked, under appreciated.  I'll never, ever, catch up with the web work that I need to do.

Every day there are would-be hackers posting on the message boards and other ones signing up for another of the Cushing's sites to do God-knows -what kind of damage as members there.

New bios, newsletters - no time or energy to do those.

Non-profit - I need to put together a resume and recreate all the past years financial records as well as guess what will be in the future.

All I want to do is sleep.

What have I gotten myself into?