Friday, February 20, 2009

The Internet can be a wonderful place But...

...sometimes it can lead you down paths you don't want to/shouldn't go.

I started this post a few days ago and couldn't continue.

I follow the blog of a woman who is dying of "my" cancer.  She's doing it with grace and dignity.  Her friends and family are leaving wonderfully supportive comments.  She seems to be so loved - by everyone.

It makes me wonder about how it will be for me.  I don't have that many real life friends and very little family.

I remember being a college student when my Nana died.  The family - my step-granddad, my father, my mom and I - sat for hours at the calling hours and no one came.  Same with the funeral.  Just us, and a minister.

How sad is that?  To live your whole life and at the end there's no one?


On another completely different note, one of the message boards I participate in recently asked the question of whether the members still felt pretty.

That raised a whole can of worms for me.  I have never, ever felt pretty.  Even when I was a kid and your parents are supposed to think you're cute, my family let me know that I was fat and ugly. 

When by a fluke of teenage nature I was going to a prom and showing off my dress my grandmother only said that I'd inherited the family moles.  Not even that the dress was nice.  Just another of my imperfections.


So...I've been depressed for about a month now.  I'm feeling overwhelmed, overworked, under appreciated.  I'll never, ever, catch up with the web work that I need to do.

Every day there are would-be hackers posting on the message boards and other ones signing up for another of the Cushing's sites to do God-knows -what kind of damage as members there.

New bios, newsletters - no time or energy to do those.

Non-profit - I need to put together a resume and recreate all the past years financial records as well as guess what will be in the future.

All I want to do is sleep.

What have I gotten myself into?

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